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“She was afraid of heights but she was much more afraid of never flying”

After a month at home focused on healing and puppy love, I’m finally heading back to Sierra Leone next Wednesday! I’m so excited to head back to the place that has my heart and that I barely got a chance to explore the first time around. Coming home was hard, but definitely the right choice. It gave me a chance to recover much better and more completely than I would have been able to had I stayed. But now I’m off of crutches, working my way out of the boot, and am mostly pain free! And it doesn’t hurt that being off of pain meds allows me to focus and be engaged so much more effectively.

Like I said, unexpectedly being away from Tacugama was hard. It hurt to be here and know that 4,500 miles away, all the sanctuary staff and volunteers were working their butts off doing annual health checks and caring for multiple new orphaned rescues. Knowing that the sanctuary took in new rescues brought up a lot of complicated feelings for me. I am so glad that these sweet, innocent, amazing creatures now have a home and get to feel safe and loved is great and wonderful and I don’t think they could have ended up anywhere better. But I hate what they had to go through to get there. They deserved so much better than the fear and pain I can only imagine they felt. And as amazing as the Tacugama staff are, chimpanzees are like humans. They’re dependent on their mothers both physically and emotionally for much longer than most species of animals and that bond is pretty irreplaceable. I love Tacugama and the work they do, but I wish more than almost anything that it wasn’t necessary.

A few months ago, someone working in a different field told me that they would love to work themselves out of a job and I felt that deep in my bones. I have known for practically my whole life that I wanted a career based on helping animals, but man, what I would give for there not to be a demand for that work. A few years ago I narrowed it down to wanting to work against poaching and wildlife trafficking. While other areas have sparked interest for sure, I’ve never experienced anywhere near the same emotional pull to do anything else. I think part of it is that nothing brings out overwhelming empathy quite like animals who are stuck in horrific situations and need help. So it’s not just that I don’t want to do anything else; it’s that I absolutely don’t think I could do anything else. I couldn’t stand to sit in those feelings and not feel like I doing something, even though I know that this career path will probably break my heart over and over.

As I sit here and think about going back to Sierra Leone in just a few days, pretty much all of these conflicting emotions come up at the same time. I feel a weird mix of extremely excited to see the chimps and get back to work on my project, sad to think about why I want to go into this field, fulfilled that I am doing what I am meant to do, and nervous. It’s really only the nervous that has changed since I first left back in January. Then, I was feeling nervous because of all of the unknowns I was free-falling into. Now, I feel nervous because I know what to expect. I know what it’s like to be there and have things be really difficult and I really don’t want to have that happen again. But I promised myself a long time ago that I wouldn’t miss out on opportunities because I was afraid of what *might* happen, particularly with regard to my nerve pain. I’d take calculate risks and take appropriate precautions, sure, but I don’t want to say no to things out of fear.

So for the next few days, I’m going to savor every hot shower, luxuriate in having access to a washer/dryer, and try to get and give 3 months’ worth of love from my sweet JoJo girl.