Holding Both

As of Saturday night, we are on lockdown round 2. This time, we are planning to go for at least 2 weeks, meaning that there is still over a week to go at minimum. This time has come with new challenges, anxieties, and stressors. I’ve still been struggling with accepting that I don’t know when I get to come home. I’ve also been missing familiar faces and creature comforts like hot showers and washing machines. And I’m trying to hold space to let myself acknowledge and experience those, while also feeling grateful to be in an amazing place with tons of amazing opportunities. I can love my time with Nelio and the other babies AND also dread cleaning up their poop. I can feel grateful to be living somewhere secluded and rural AND frustrated when my phone dies and there’s no power to charge it. I can be motivated to work hard on many different projects here AND feel really tired. That whole holding both thing.

Since most of the staff are once again living at the sanctuary, there are lots of people around all. the. time. As someone who is very much an introvert, this is very draining and difficult. Fortunately, I moved down to the lodges last week, which means I have some more space and privacy than where I did where I was. Plus, the lodges are super nice. Usually when the sanctuary is open, that’s where paying visitors stay. They’re big, I have a double bed, and they have insane views. Sitting in our balcony hammock feels like being in some gorgeous forest oasis. I don’t have a ton of spare time to enjoy it since we’re all working our butts off keeping the chimps healthy, raising funds to keep the sanctuary running, and creating conservation awareness campaigns.

Speaking of chimps, Nelio is still amazing and progressing all of the time. We moved him in with two other babies about a week ago and it’s been so good for him. He lets them groom him, comfort him, and sometimes steal his bananas. I’ve seen how they’ve helped his confidence grow too. Julius, one of his new roommates, is a super playful goon. One of his favorite activities is swinging recklessly on a rope, knocking into walls, me, the other chimps, anything in his path. I always think of “Wrecking Ball” by Miley Cyrus when he does it. Anyway, all of his playing has interested Nelio. It took a few days of him awkwardly trying to insert himself into our play, getting scared, and running away, but the other day he finally let me tickle him and even laughed. That is HUGE. It shows so much growth, so much trust, and so much tolerance of letting his guard down. I’m so, so proud of this beautiful boy.

Unfortunately, though, Nelio and many of the other babies have come down with colds. We’ve had a couple rainy days and apparently that’s all it takes to get these guys sick. I can’t help but feel really worried about him. He just got healthy and comfortable here, so it really sucks to see him back with the sniffles and laying around listlessly. But at least this time he is accepting a little more comfort. I’ve spent a lot of time in his enclosure rubbing his back and head while he lays in his hammock, which seems to lull him to sleep. Once again, I feel gratitude and awe that he has slowly been trusting me more and more. A few weeks ago, he never would have felt ok with the vulnerability of laying down and closing his eyes while I was in his enclosure touching him. And it feels so, so good to be able to give him some comfort.

My interactions with wildlife over the past few days have not all been positive though. I’m covered in bruises from being bitten by baby chimps I’m still forming relationships with (which, side note, hurts like hell), have been peed and pooped on, and was completely swarmed by biting ants. That last one was a particularly rough night, although I’m sure it looked pretty comical from the outside. Basically, I was walking on the path by my lodge and felt a bite on my foot. I bent down to look at it and immediately started feeling little pinches up and down my legs, on my stomach, up my shirt, and pretty much everywhere else. Since my shoes were full of ants that just kept biting, I kicked them off and ran home barefoot. Luckily I was close to my house. I then also ripped off my pants because the little bastards just kept biting. All I could think to do was jump in the shower, so that’s what I did even though I was fully clothed apart from my pants. Once I got them all off of me, I tossed my pants outside because I just couldn’t deal with them. When I got them back the next day, there were still a few dead ants latched on, which meant I really got to see just how hard they bite down and why each bite had hurt so much. Needless to say, I’m still a little traumatized and have stumbled on the path multiple times because I am more focused on making sure I don’t accidentally walk across those ants again.

So, overall it is a mixed bag right now. There is good, bad, frustrating, amazing, tedious, and fascinating. And like I said, I’m working on being ok with the fact that those can all be true at the same time. I’m also working on being honest about that. I think I have a tendency to brush aside the bad and only tell people about the good. Having conversations where I only talk about how amazing is here does lead to feeling this weird disconnect from the other person because I’m not expressing the full story. The truth is, being here is hard. It’s not all adorable Instagram posts and chimp cuddles (although that is part of it and it’s AMAZING). And that’s ok. I’m working on accepting that I don’t have to love every minute of being here and that doesn’t mean I don’t feel grateful, love Nelio, or feel engaged and passionate what I’m working on.

As happens more often than not, the internet is not cooperating enough to let me post pictures, but I’ll try to throw some up later.